i’m disgusting

fat fat fat fat fat!!!!

i ate so much today

my friends decided we were getting a late breakfast (at 12.30pm???) and we went somewhere really nice ugh. I couldn’t not order something or not eat since we were out. I ordered poached eggs /w toast & salmon and i ate one egg, half a piece of toast and some of the salmon. I didn’t eat much of it but I had orange juice instead of water ugh i’m so stupid. 

I avoided food for the rest of the day (i had caramel in my coffee though jfc) but then I had to work so I ended up eating a regular fries & some nuggets (idk how many i had i’m so fat I just ate one now and then throughout the fucking night ugh i think i had about 5??) as well and i’m so angry at myself.

Out of all the things I had to fucking eat.

Going to fucking throw up what I can and start fresh tomorrow, I’m thinking either a 3 day fast or going back to only eating one meal a day (300 cal or less).

So I broke my fast yesterday, my friends made me eat and I binged a little.

6-inch turkey sub (no cheese)

2 pieces of toast, butter & vegemite

> purged

small bananaberry smoothie (mcdonalds ): )

> purged

2 tim tams

I’m probably going to fast for a few days more to make up for it.

I’ve lost 7 kilos in my fast, 5 kilos to go and I can be happy.

Day 6 is almost up, I’m not sure whether to finish my fast after day 7 and limit my calories to 600 a day from then on or to continue on with my fast. I’m confident I could continue at the moment but now and then I’m getting dizzy spells and I want to be thin, not pass out and end up in hospital where they’ll make me eat. How long is it safe to continue a fast as long as i’m drinking water & coffee?

didn’t realize that i’d actually been losing weight,

i thought it’d take longer but i’m half way to my goal.

Bought some scales today with the money I’ve saved on food!

day 5 has been the easiest, i’m now on day 6.

Anonymous asked:
Hi there, I just found your blog, I don't even remember how I ended up on it, but I read a few posts and saw that you hadn't posted anything in 2 months... And given the nature of your last posts, I couldn't help but feel a bit worried. I don't know you, you don't know me either, I just found your blog like 15 minutes ago, but I just wanted to let you know that what I saw moved me and that I hope you're doing okay. Take care, please. It gets better. I wish you all the best, sincerely. Take care.

hello, i doubt that you’ll check up on my blog to see this if you were just passing by. However I wanted to let you know that I really appreciated this message, it was nice to log into tumblr and have a heartfelt message such as this one in my inbox. I don’t use tumblr as much as I used to and I neglect this blog quite a lot, especially when I have bad weeks. Thank you for checking up on me anon and have a nice life. xo

promised myself i could eat today but i’ve already come so far,

why eat when i can prolong food for sleep?

day four, complete.

things are just getting harder

it’s no longer “getting bad again”

i’m bad again, but nobody knows this time round

i’m cutting again, my legs look worse than they have in over a year

 i’m also starving myself, my goal weight is 45 kilos and i’m determined to be at that weight by december, this is the only way i know how to do it.

I smoke weed every single night, just so I don’t have to feel anything, I’ve come to adore the feeling of nothing again.

and then i’ve also returned to this blog, one i haven’t needed to vent to in oh so long. 

but this time nobody can force me to get help, it’s our little secret.

day 3 without any food today, i think i’m doing pretty well. I’ve been drinking coffee & water though and I had a few cruisers earlier but I threw them up when I got home. They’re too sugary & there’s too many calories. I am going to weigh 45kilos if it kills me. At least I don’t feel hungry anymore… 

i’m stuck in a really bad rut and i can’t get out

i’m trying so hard to get better but i can’t do it

i need help.