i’m stuck in a really bad rut and i can’t get out

i’m trying so hard to get better but i can’t do it

i need help.

i haven’t worn this pair of underwear since the night i lost my virginity

they make me feel dirty now

my life has no meaning anymore

i’m a highschool dropout who works at a dodgy fast food outlet that underpays

i have no qualifications and i can’t afford to study 

i am the definition of going nowhere

and it’s only just hit me

i got home from work and cried for literally 4 hours or so over nothing

i started to shake and hyperventilate, i felt dizzy and still feel dizzy. Nothing felt real and I couldn’t control my movements, it didn’t feel like me moving. I felt like I wasn’t really existing, like I was floating and my life was a dream.

I almost passed out from hyperventilating, usually I can control it with some breathing techniques but this time I just got worse.

It was so scary, it’s never been this bad before.

(sorry i haven’t updated in a while, life has been busy..)

  • me: *in the kitchen making icecream*
  • s: *laughing* b can you come here for a moment?
  • me: come to me?
  • s: nno b i need you to come here!! *laughing hysterically*
  • me: okay..? *walks to the toilet where s is*
  • s: i just i hahaha
  • s: hhahaha
  • s: hahaha *pointing at the toilet* look!!
  • me: *looks into the toilet and a condom is just chilling in the bowl*
  • s: i jusT GAVE BIRTH
  • me: is that?? *starts laughing*

i just wanna’ write this down somewhere since i always look back on this blog and it reminds me of things i tend to forget

and since i can barely remember the night as it is

i might as well write down what i remember

my friend s and i were going clubbing and we decided to dress up since there was a halloween thing going on at all the clubs. we bought fishnets and white shirts, cut up the white shirts and covered them in red food dye and fake blood and covered ourselves in fake blood too. Had a few drinks before we went (i went with shots instead because i was in the mood to get drunk fast). We get to the clubs and i’m already drunk because i’m not very smart sometimes, we go in and one of t he girls I work with wwas there, we’re not really friends but she said my name rather enthusiastically and gave me a hug. We kept walking and went to buy some more shots and drinks and go sit out in the smoking area. There were some girls in there wearing glee cheerleading outfits and I talked to them because I’m a pretty big glee fan. There was a guy in there too talking about how he turns lesbians and I told him that if he “turned” them they weren’t lesbians to begin with. He told me he definitely turned them and could turn any lesbian in a heartbeat, I of course told him to prove it. He asked if I was a lesbian and I told him I kinda was (i’m not really sure about my sexuality still??/ I do lean towards girls though) and he told me he could turn me easy. I told him he was full of shit and s backed me up on that. He left and the cheerleaders came back and had overheard our conversation, one of them seemed pretty curious about it so we talked about girls and stuff for a little while. S and i finished our drinks and smokes and started walking to another club, this club wasn’t as good so we went to the smoking area there to have another smoke, S didn’t finish hers because there was a cockroach and she wanted to leave. We headed to the third club (the best one of all three) and there were two guys walking to that club too so we talked on the way there. This club is a bit of a longer walk compared to the other two which are across the road from each other. We get there and the guys group hug me and my friend before my friend and I leave them and go into the club. We’d only been in there 5 minutes before two other guys started talking to us.One of them looked identical to Darren Criss and I made sure to tell him that. They offered to buy us a drink and we let them, the other guy who we[ll call Navy went and got the drinks. I bumped into another friend whilst we waited and she hung with us most of the night. We went to the smoking area of the club and Darren & Navy came too. We were sitting on the steps and the boys were talking about a bet or somethin g and it wasn’t long before Darren was kissing S„ Navy was kissing me and my other friend SS was standing there with her eyes closed repeating gross are you guys done yet. Navy seemed pretty cocky after that and continued to kiss me whenever he got the chance. He even waved to one of his friends to get their attention before kissing me. It was starting to bother me so SS and I ditched for a little while to dance. I misplaced S after that and she had my phone so it was half an hour before I found her again. Navy had disappeared but S was still hanging around Darren. Darren bought everyone another round and SS and I went back to dance. Whilst we were dancing SS kissed me but I pulled away, I didn’t want to give her the wrong idea by kissing her and I know she has a girlfriend she loves dearly. She was a much better kisser than Navy though, Navy used too much tongue and he bit my lip too hard (I have cuts on my top lip now). I left S with Darren and went to buy SS a hotdog because I had said I would earlier. We bumped into the two guys from earlier whilst outside and one of them (lets call him J) offered to get me a drink. I told him I didn’t really want one but he got me one anyway and I’m kind of wary about the drink now because things start to get really blurry from here on. J and I took to the dancefloor and I probably embarrassed myself a lot because:

1. I can’t dance.

2. You know those couples who eat each others faces off in public when you’re sitting there disgusted thinking GET A ROOM!! ? Well yeah, we were those people.

I really cannot remember much from there besides J getting more drinks and S telling me she wanted to go home with Darren, SS disappeared from there and both S’s and my wallets, smokes, id, etc went missing. I don’t exactly know how I ended up at J’s house with S and Darren but I think we caught a cab. I was way too drunk, I couldn’t stand properly and here’s what I remember from here:

J led me to the couch in the shed and we kissed/undressed, I was too drunk to even be self concious about my body/scars. I remember repeating over and over “do you have a condom, put a condom on, etc” and I was sure he did because he said he did? and then we were having sex which still hurts for some fucking reason. Half way through he stopped and put a condom on and I’m not sure if he took one off or if he never had the first one on to begin with so I’m going to need to get the morning after pill tomorrow. I’m nervous because I’ve never taken it before. 

Now I’m going to leave some code words here because the few things I do remember from then on I’m uncomfortable mentioning but I’d like the reminder.

Tomatoes - him

Tomatoes - me


and yeah, he finished and I got up straight away (i think) and I woke S and we left. Now I think about it it probably seemed pretty rude but I just wanted to get home. I don’t like sex with guys and I felt taken advantage of because I was very, very drunk! I don’t remember the cab drive home either but I must’ve left my fishnets at his house because I wasn’t wearing them when I got home. I climbed in through the window and fell asleep instantly on the bed. I fell asleep so quickly I forgot to even let S in the house. I woke up and S had gone home and for some reason my bra was on backwards/??? i don’t even know how that happened hnngh h.i was still drunk or something when I woke up because the world wouldn’t stop spinning.

I know there’s a lot missing from this but I’m super tired and cannot remember a thing whatsoever which worries me because I’m kinda convinced someone slipped something in my drink.

uuhh i gues s that’s it for now, i may add to this when i start remembering things.

i feel dirty and gross

and confused 

but oh well, i deserve it

and i guess i had fun

help me someone fuck ing help please

can mum stay out of my fucking room just for once

she’s gone through  all my drawings

she knows those are private bc my art is like a diary

and now she knows too much again

and i’m crying

she’s going to send me away 

i thought things were finally getting better…

there’s not a moment when she’s not on my mind

and now picturing her face hurts a lot

bc i’ll never see her again

i won’t get to talk to her anymore

 or see her smile

or joke around like we did

i remember just seeing her smile

or even just talking to her would make my entire week

work’s not fun anymore without her

she got moved to a different store 3 hours away

i didn’t even find out until she was gone

and now i’m never going to fucking see her again

seeing her was enough

but now i don’t even have that

i feel so empty i just

i really fucki ng liked her